Metroid Prime: Hunters

I hate hype. I really do. It makes any game look like the second coming of Jesus, but in the real world, the game is either crap or average. There are some exceptions, like Kingdom Hearts and Infamous, but generally speaking, hyped games are never really all that they're cracked up to be, especially when the hyped product is a pile of jizz. Meet Metroid Prime: Hunters, yet another victim of undeserved love. Just because there's access to online amongst some good graphics and music scores, does not mean that it's a good game. I'll go as far as saying that Metroid Prime: Hunters is a bad game. It just didn't click with me, and with the problems I've found, I can't quite figure out why, beyond hype, people actually like this game.

Apparently, there's some artifacts on some unknown faraway planets, and Samus has to retrieve them. Unfortunately for her, there are other hunters who are also going for it. And that's the general gist of the plot. There are some backstories here and there, but nothing worth caring about. One of the hunters having a grudge against some federation... yeah, sweet. What else? Why is this? Unfortunately, beyond a simple exposition, you don't learn donkey dick about (what I can presume are) your enemies. Granted that the entire Metroid franchise isn't known for plot, this leaves a lot to be desired. Nothing really develops. This is, however, a minor complaint, so don't think of it as a huge deal. Again, the franchise was never about epic storylines, and this is no exception, though more elaboration would've been nicer still.

Graphically, this game is confused. Up close, the character models look excellent and the surroundings are also nice to look at. A surprising amount of work went into the desolate environment and the characters you'll be looking at a lot. However, step back a few steps; now they look like blobs. How is this? Did the artists work only on close ups? Seems like it, because now I'm looking at flubber! This makes it worse when you need to shoot stuff from afar, as it's hard to tell between enemy and environment. It looks like a bucket of dog shit at this point.

The one and only thing that's consistently good is the audio. The soundtrack offers one hell of an atmosphere, giving you the sense that you're alone and out of your element. It never really scares the shit out of you, but it still gives a desolate tone. Amongst that are explosions and laser beams that sound pretty awesome. And honestly, this is coming out of a handheld's speakers; imagine all this out of surround sound speakers! Killzone 2 - eat your heart out!

Now, if the rest of the game was like that, I'd be in heaven. I loved Metroid Prime 1 and 2, but this game is a big middle finger. Hunters doesn't even attempt to be awesome with gameplay or controls. The single player campaign goes the way of Halo 2 and is nothing more than a rushed effort because they're too busy with online multiplayer - which wasn't all that flash either, I might add. Plus the flow of gameplay is disrupted due to some terrible controls and control layouts. Honestly, I did not think it was possible to screw up a Metroid game, whether its a first person shooter or a non-linear run and gun game. But I guess we're getting proved wrong here! Prepare for some of the suckiest 8 hours you'll ever spend on a game...

I'm aware that you can't really throw down gigantic monoliths for levels in a DS game (hell, it'd be impossible for the PSP to contain all of it, let alone a DS), but Jesus Chirst, these levels are bloody tiny! The design is also quite dumbed down when compared to Metroid Prime. Instead of using your wits combined with trial and error to make sure you have the right upgrade(s) to proceed past a point, you simply need to navigate through corridors and open areas to find the right path. This would normally be a good thing, but Metroid is usually known for making use of trial and error while making sure you're up to date with upgrades. Hunters isn't even close in that department, so it doesn't quite feel like the Metroid I eventually fell for; it felt like an aborted Metroid.

Don't get me started on level design repetition, either. Throughout the 4 levels you have to go to... Actually, why are there 4 levels? It would've made more sense to condense it to 1 planet so that there's more room to make it more like the Metroid we all know and love. Plus, each of the 4 levels are essentially the same thing, except move a few minor things around and change color schemes. It may as well be condensed to just 1 planet... At least in Call Of Duty, even if it follows the same principles, at least each level looks different. Here, we're in the same sludge purple, puke green and dog shit brown corridors. Oh, and have hallways and open-ended areas. Make them a fair bit linear too, but not too much, or it's not an authentic Metroid game...

Now, I've been told by various people that the controls are grand once you get used to them. This is questionable to me. Is it possible to get used to carpal tunnel? So far, no, it's not. Carpal tunnel frigging hurts like a mother bitch! What does that have to do with the controls? The controls GIVE you carpal tunnel due to a claustrophobic layout to compensate for the lack of an analog stick on the DS - touch screen and stylus is used to aim, d-pad is used to move and shoulder buttons are used to fight. And even if you were to use the alternative setup, you're going to have a hard time getting used to these controls due to such a shitty layout. Same as before, but replace the touch screen with the face buttons. Genius... I think Wolfenstein was turning in its cryogenic chamber after hearing of such bullshittery. Speaking of Wolfenstein, if Metroid Prime: Hunters was to adopt a similar control scheme (d-pad for moving and turning, a shoot button, switch button and other old school FPS controls, the controls would improve tenfold. Unfortunately, that is not the case...

Oh, and what about these boss battles? Pathetic! The AI in this department is like that of a down syndrome kid. Half the time, the only reason you're failing is due to the aforementioned crap controls, but other than that, the AI is dreadful! Whether its the hunters or the guardians, it doesn't matter because you can utterly annihilate them, provided you make some sense out of the controls without succumbing to cramps. The most insulting thing you can do at this point is rehashing. Even one rehash is an annoying thing when you consider how painfully easy they are, but you'll be facing the same bosses at least 3 or 4 times. It could have equated to harder versions, but the only change seems to be Samus's artillery; in other words, the rehashed boss fights are a waste of time. Oh, and did I mention that there are only 2 varieties? Yep, just killed even more buzz, didn't I... The only game that manages to keep it interesting is Prince Of Persia (360/PS3), but that's due to an awesome combat system. You know what we have here by now...

Upgrades are yet another foundation of the franchise. Typically, you have to find them through trial and error or through solving certain puzzles. Here, you can just see them in plain sight, and all you need to do is touch the glowing entity. There; you just increased your health by 10 increments. There are also a few weapons laying around, but here's the main thing... that's it. No suit upgrades, no attack upgrades, no nothing except different looking laser beams dealing in different elements and slightly more health. I'd understand shorter levels, but the DS should be able to hold enough memory for (at the very least) some suit upgrades and the like.

So as you can tell, the campaign is very half-assed. It's like the beta for Metroid Prime on the Gamecube, except this is an official release. Did they forget to... I don't know... FINISH IT!? Guys, you had a few years to develop this game and a couple of years worth of cockteasing, and all you have is the beta? Condensing into a DS file does not take that goddamn long.

At that point, I was hoping that I could find solace in the multiplayer. But no, I didn't. Sure, each of the characters have their own unique weapons, but the gigantic problem is that its easy to exploit the cheapest one. Doing so just wrecks the experience. In other words, the characters are horribly unbalanced, with most of them seldom used, if at all. There's also the ability to spam some very powerful attacks. There's more to say, but the online felt so traumatizing at that point, that further description will send me into crying fits.

I'm sorry if 3/10 seems like such a low rating and if this review seems very harsh, but the assortment of poor controls turns a title such as this into a pile of shit. Add some bipolar draw distance (come on, how does it go from blob to a detailed enemy?!), lackluster weapons and a half-assed single player campaign, and you have yourself a title devoid of any reason to actually give a shit about it. This is one Metroid title that is well worth skipping, lest ye want to suffer at the hands of carpal tunnel syndrome and boredom. What a disappointment.