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Do women hate sex — and they do — because of some kind of woman-guilt from an outdated puritan societal dogma? Or perhaps a stigma of guilt or a fear of abandonment? No. None of these things are it. Women hate sex simply because they are lousy at it.

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Every Woman is a Cheating Whore

Oh yes, that’s right. That’s what I said. And I said it because it’s true. All women are cheaters.

I don’t mean this to be a provocateur or to prance around in the realm of the hypothetical like some kind of dandy. I mean, flat out, that every woman in the world is a cheater, has cheated, and is probably cheating at this very moment.

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Pain in My Man Ass

Women only have one skill. The ability to have children. And it’s not so much a skill as much as it is a defense mechanism againt doing work. Like how an octopus shoots ink all over the place when a shark is trying to bite it or stab it with something. That’s how women use their natural defense of cranking out children whenever a job is about to bite ahold of them.

It’s also like how Yakov Smirnoff would say shit about Russia about everything, even when it didn’t apply at all. Women are exactly like Yakov Smirnoff except their broken crutch is their ovaries.

Take promiscuous sex for example. Women will explain away their debauchery with some kind of mythical “biological, reproductive clock” that apparently starts dinging up like a slot machine when they hit twenty-six and spits Spanish Fly into the air like a crop duster. Where I come from we have a term for that. Horseshit.

Women also use the act of bearing a child (even the poseurs who haven’t actually gone through with it yet) to prove that they can take more pain than men — and that women have a higher pain tolerance than we do. Where I come from we have a term for that too. Super horseshit. Here’s the horse to prove it.

Linda LeResche “Poppin Fresh” has just earned the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com’s Honorary Man of the Month award for August (congratulations Reschey Resche) by releasing some foxy facts and findings that really don’t mean shit if you’re either a man or you’re a women who lets a man do all the thinking, talking, and driving for her. If you’re either one of those then the findings and the rest of life in general are obvious.

Men can take more pain that women, says LeResche. Way the *bleep* more.

I didn’t read the rest of the study because, what the *bleep*. It’s obvious. Men can take more pain then women? I figured that out the first time I was kicked in the bean machine and fell to the ground for several minutes. I had seen a woman do the same thing when she was struck in the head by a football. The two are not the same.

So have women have been faking that they can take more pain than men? No. They could never do that sort of thing because a woman would never pass up the opportunity to bray like a pauper while being treated like a princess for stubbing her *bleep*ing toe or some silly *bleep*ing thing like that. Can you imagine? A woman choosing to keep her mouth shut when she’s just had a gold mine of attention fall on her pinkie toe? No. None of us can. Even with our mighty iMANginations.

The real dickle of this pickle is that women only appear to never be in pain because they never *bleep*ing do anything. It’s like an equal rights amendment. Sure, it sounds great (not really), but as soon as women start having to live by it everything falls the *bleep* apart.

Women never do anything — until its time to have a kid. And when that happens they scream like holy hell and say that no man knows what real pain is.

What I say is if the pain of childbirth is on par with the rest of feminanity’s bullshit, I doubt it even hurts very much at all. Bam Bam and you’re done. What the big *bleep*ing deal. I’ll tell you for sure that it can’t be as painful as having to listen to the embarrassing, awkwardly-insulting, half-baked opinions of a woman for the rest of your life, which all men have to do.

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Women Would Vote for Hitler

A woman voting on anything other than American Idol or her personal favorite type of chocolate is like watching a small child run full speed into a wall. Clearly the fundamentals are understood. The child runs, it’s going somewhere and there’s no doubt about that. The child can run. But very quickly one comes to the understanding that somewhere, somehow, the process has been perverted. Then comes the wall. Then comes the crying.

Women would vote for Hitler. Not because a woman could be talked into buying a catsup Popsicle while she was wearing white gloves, but because women are all fascists.

Don’t believe me? Let’s leave the constant threat of castration out of it for the moment. That makes it a slam dunk in my book, but that’s fine. Women are just “joking” whenever they play fascism card #1.

How about oppressive dictatorship by force or threat of violence?

Anyone who’s married will tell you a lot of things. The first of which will be, “Don’t get *bleep*ing married for any reason you dumb shit.” But a likely secondary is that marriage is not a democracy. What is it then?

Marriage is a fascist dictatorship of oppression — and so is any relationship with a woman. Work, professional, “professional”; they’re all the same. If you don’t like the flavor of the Kool-Aid and you want to add some mix, prepare to have a wailing siren of bullshit go off in your ear. That’s assault and that’s oppression. That’s enforcing your opinion through the threat of violence. If you press the issue, prepare to receive the threat of withheld friendship — or even sex whether it’s applicable or not! There was another man who pulled the same kind of shit. Yep, Hitler.

The biggest women/fascism link is a woman’s reliance on violence. Women will be the first to hit during any kind of dispute. It’s not even a percentage. It’s as much of a guarantee as it is that the sun will rise tomorrow. And as men we can all understand that the sun rises because it’s actually a star that our planet rotates around, therefore it is guaranteed to rise. We are able to remove ourselves from our personal point of view and understand that the sun isn’t rising at all. It’s actually us who are spinning around the sun. Women don’t even *bleep*ing know that.

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Top Ten Reasons Men Are Better Than Women

Dick’s Top Ten Reasons MenAreBetterThanWomen.com

10. Men do not have Tourette Syndrome

I believe all women suffer from a mild and extremely localized form of Tourette Syndrome. The afflicted organ? Their tongues. That’s why women cannot shut their *bleep*ing mouths for ten seconds while adults are speaking around them. Their tongues are battling around in their mouths like drunken Vipers.

9. Men are not sponges

Women are social chameleons — or better yet: social vampires. Women walk into a situation and before you know it they’ve completely changed their wardrobe and mannerisms as if they’ve joined a *bleep*ing cult. Men are not sheep. Everyone knows the word for a female sheep is ewe, but what about the male word? There isn’t one because sheep is something men are not.

8. Women are racists

Women’s entire lives and social circles are based around hatred. Do they hate their boyfriends? Do they hate their wardrobe? Do they hate each other? Yes, yes and *bleep* definitely. Men don’t go in for that silly sort of nonsense. If we’re dissatisfied, we pick up and move out. Or we take our mighty man muscles and lift *bleep*ing mountains so the world looks exactly the way we want it to. Men do more world changing before 9:00 AM than any woman ever has done in her whole life.

7. Men live less than women

The last thing a society needs is a bunch of non-contributing members laying around and sucking all the juice from the young. Men know this so they blast off from birth like shooting man stars — burning out ten years faster, but setting the whole night ablaze with manness. Women just kind of lie around like big fat pigs in big fat puddles of shit. Congratulations women. You really earned those rights!

6. Men write illegibly

Writing is stupid and an ineffective way to communicate. Men know this so they don’t give a shit about handwriting things with big hoops and loops and squiggles and shit so aliens can read notes about remembering to pick up your birth control pills after 6th period from space.

5. Jesus was a man

Whether or not you believe in Jesus, there is one fact you can’t argue with: he was a man. No religion anywhere has ever put a woman in charge of shit. That’s called dogma — man-dogma — and it means men are better than women.

4. Men wear watches

Do you know why men wear watches? It’s because there’s a limited amount of time in the day and men need to know how much of it there is so they can efficiently allocate their man ass kicking for the day. Women don’t wear watches; they wear bracelets. Women wearing bracelets is like dropping a bus of *bleep*ed kids off in front of a taffy pulling machine. They can just stare for hours and never get bored.

A watch says, ‘Get up and go! Move your man ass and take care of your *bleep*ing man business!’ That’s why 60 minutes uses a ticking watch for its theme song. ‘Important shit is going down and we’re about to talk about it in a *bleep*ing fastidious manner, so get the *bleep* ready,’ says a ticking watch. A bracelet says, ‘You’re most likely ugly, but look at how much money you’re worth!’ What a joke.

3. Boys destroy things

The only thing that has ever lifted our species out of the trees where we came from is our ability to destroy. Take paper: the cornerstone of the modern world. That was invented because man wanted to destroy trees and beat them into pulp. How about nuclear power? Men invented that too. Men are natural destructors. We pop right out of the man-womb and start on a life-long tirade of progress by tearing down the Earth with our mighty, man-manly man-fists. Goddammit, that’s awesome!

2. Marriage is stupid

Marriage is 100% the fault of women. It was invented by men though! Did you know that? Marriage was invented because women were too busy whoring it out to *bleep* the only the guy who was paying their rent and feeding their fat asses French bon-bons every day. Men invented marriage as a way of telling women who they could and couldn’t *bleep*. Like everything else men have ever invented, it completely worked and worked way better than any man thought it would. Women became so indoctrinated by the man-invention of marriage that they’re *bleep*ing obsessed with it.

Marriage is still stupid. It’s a stupid game invented to entertain stupid minds and to teach basic lessons of fidelity that even invertebrates are born with.

1. Men have penises

When it comes to being a man, being quick at identifying problems is tantamount to fixing them. In fact it’s tantamount-ier. Having a penis — in other words looking like a man and having man parts — is a man’s way of telling other men, ‘Hey. Look at me. I’m a man. I won’t *bleep* up whatever it is that you’re trying to do. If you need some help, maybe ask me and I’ll see if I can lend a man-hand. It’s the least I could do to be *bleep*ing courteous.’

Men Are Better Than Women.