 Topic: Assassin(Story/Fantasy)(Comments welcome and appreciated)(PG-13 Violence)
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 SacredSerpent
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 Sep 25, 08 at 8:19pm |
Comments are greatly appreciated as well as constructive criticism. I'm new to this so any help would appreciated.This story will contain violence but no language.
Chapter 1
Assassin
The creature crept silently through the darkness, its black fur cloaking it from the feeble eyes of the few humans who continued to wander through the desolate forest.
Its curved fangs glimmered in the faint moonlight; mirroring the crescent moon floating lazily above.The long bladed claws, which had brought sorrow and death to many, clicked ominously on a smooth rock embedded in the rugged ground.
It swayed its head back and forth, its intelligent eyes scanning for some prey, maybe a slow, fat, Orgo, or the quick but highly prized, Gallions.
But it realized something had changed in the centuries it had slumbered; not just the terrain, which had been destroyed by humans to build their strange wooden dwellings,but it realized with a flare of sudden anger that the entire world had changed, the ancient beast that had proudly walked the earth long ago were now the things of legends, is was just him, he could feel it in his keen mind.
He was alone, that knowledge brought about such a deep rage in the beasts cruel heart, that it lashed its sickle like claws at the still air as if wanting to shred an invisible enemy.Then it howled, a low mournful howl mingled with rage and pain, prophecising of the coming terror that was ever present with the ancient creatures appearance.
This message was edited by SacredSerpent on Sep 25 2008.
This message was edited by SacredSerpent on Sep 28 2008.
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darklight123444true seeker     total posts: 1136 since: Dec 2007 |
 Sep 25, 08 at 8:37pm |
It's okay, but in need of a grammar check. Also, FYI it's "assassin".
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Looking Through Me
"...The best stuff I've seen on this forum." ~ Chronic Apathy
"I'd like to see where it goes." ~ Deis
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SacredSerpent
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Sep 25, 08 at 8:54pm |
Thanks for the tip.
But how do you change the title?
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darklight123444true seeker total posts: 1136 since: Dec 2007 |
Sep 25, 08 at 9:23pm |
Not sure, sorry man. I'm kinda new at this whole thing too.
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Looking Through Me
"...The best stuff I've seen on this forum." ~ Chronic Apathy
"I'd like to see where it goes." ~ Deis
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Kasumi LightThe Cookie God's loyal follower.forum fever    since: Sep 2008
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Sep 26, 08 at 1:20pm |
To change the title, edit your first post and change the subject part. 
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SacredSerpent
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Sep 28, 08 at 5:24pm |
Thanks Kasumi Light.
Chapter 2
Nightmare
Hundred of miles from the dark, entrenching forest, lay Steven Norixo, sleeping fitfully on a ragged bed.
The sight before him made his blood freeze, a few yards ahead, sharp claws firmly planted on the ground was a creature.It had a vaguely rat like head and a coat of thick fur so dark it look like it had surely been ripped out of the night sky.
However it was not is grotesque appearance that terrified Stev but rather its actions. The thing was bent over, scrutinizing a shadowed form laying flat on the ground.
As much as the thoughts sickened Steve he realized two horrible details, that the form was human and that it was either dead or mortally wounded.Steve had to look away as it buried its sharp fangs deep inside its victims uttering a hoarse call of victory.
Steve flinched not knowing whether he was imagining the unmistakable sounds of bones being crunched between sharp teeth.Steve waited, trying to stand completely still, but he was shaking so bad he felt sure that the beasts had heard him, and that it would only be a matter a few seconds before sharp teeth and claws would enclose him.
But then finally after a minute that had seemed to stretch into eternity, he heard the heavy steps of the beast recede slowly into the darkness.
Steve took a deep breath, inhaling the crisp air, happy but not quite believing that he was safe.
He crept slowly forward, until he reached the mangled form laying on the ground.
In horror he looked down at the body, at the features so familiar yet so distorted, at the crimson blood staining ragged clothes. He screamed.
The person was him.
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SacredSerpent
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Sep 30, 08 at 3:09pm |
Please comment so I know how I'm how doing,
Chapter 3
Peace
Steve woke up, his heart beating madly in his chest from the remnants of the terrifying dream that still haunted his mind.
Then he realized it was only a dream, he still in his room, with the familiar pictures hanging lopsidedly on the wall, and the various magazines,games, and other knickknacks strewn haphazardly on the floor,I'm safe it was only a nightmare, he told himself, while simultaneously scolding himself fro being so childish.
He wiped his hand across his forehead brushing sweat and black hair off, still trying to slow his rapid, terrified breaths. What a strange dream he thought warily. He knew he had stranger dreams before, but this one had been more vivid than any previous ones, almost as if it was real or a strange prophecy.
He shook his head, quickly dismissing the ridiculous thoughts. He sighed and lay back down,trying to regain a peaceful sleep that he knew was required for the important day ahead. He fell asleep quickly, tranquil and unaware of the fateful events unfolding outside.
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StormpeltThanks to Sacred Serpent for the avatarsubmission happy   total posts: 145 since: Nov 2006
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 Oct 02, 08 at 6:41pm |
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SacredSerpent
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Oct 02, 08 at 6:59pm |
Thanks Stormpelt.I really appreciate it.
But can anyone please tell me how to improve it, I know I definitely needs it.
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SacredSerpent
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Oct 06, 08 at 1:13pm |
Please comment, I really need to know how I'm doing.
Chapter 4
Prey
The creature walked slowly, quietly, its vast paws making little sound as it traveled over the rough ground.It sniffed, inhaling the stench of the human city, trying to decipher the scent of humans from all else.
The beast's name was Ziopox or as the chief of his former tribe had told him Assassin, translated in the English tongue of the humans.
Though he knew he needed to keep his mind on the present task of finding prey his thoughts kept wandering back to memories of the distant past. Memories of his tribe running across fields, their prey running slightly ahead of them, the scent of spilled blood in the air.
Then he spotted him, a young human, walking alone down a worn concrete path. He was perhaps more gaunt then most humans but just the thought of a meal, even one so meager, pleased Ziopox.
Ziopox relaxed his tense muscles, savoring the subtle thrill of the moment before the hunt,imagining the rusty taste of the humans blood running down his throat.
He waited a moment more, barely resisting the powerful urge to leap and rip out the humans throat but he wanted to be precise, to ensure a successful kill. Then as the person reached the area where Ziopox was concealed, he lunged, his powerful muscles rippling as he sailed effortlessly through the still air.
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Duddztrue seeker (2K Remix)  total posts: 2177 since: Apr 2007 |
Oct 06, 08 at 1:21pm |
Right; you've definitely got the basis of a good story, I'm actually quite intriguided by it.
The only issues I can mention are that you're being very vague in describing certain tings. Take your first post for example; what's an Orgo and what are Gallions? Describing things like that improve the writing and also adds length to it.
Also make sure you proof read the chapters before posting; I've noticed you've made some typing errors such as typing keys in the incorrect order and not hitting the space bar.
Overall, it's a nice start, you're using nice grammar and vocabulary. Just try and be less vague when writing and make sue you proof read your work.
Hope that helps. |
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SacredSerpent
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Oct 10, 08 at 3:43pm |
Thanks a bunch Duddz. It helped a lot. I'll try to be less a vague, and I'll try to explain some things from the earlier chapters soon. And I'll correct the typing errors from earlier chapters.
Sorry this chapter probably won't be that good but I had to rush.
Please give comments though.
Chapter 5
Captured
Chad Cohren walked slowly across the sidewalk looking down at his ragged shoes as he walked as if uncaring of his surroundings.But in reality he was very aware, his nonchalant appearance merely a ruse to divert any attention from him.
Not that anyone's around He thought confidently No one will see me.
Still he had the disagreeable feeling that he was being watched, and as much as he tried to dismiss the absurd idea, he couldn't get rid off the unsettling feeling of probing eyes on him.
He scolded himself mentally,He knew he was wanted, people were looking for him, but still he felt confident about his chosen destination. So he continued on until he reached a brown, tattered building that had began to show its considerable age. He walked around one of the ivy covered walls stopping only once he reached a gaping hole in the building, a large square shaped opening that had once held a window.
He crawled into the deserted building, knowing that it had to be empty. As he stepped on the familiar broken floorboards of his safe haven the feeling of being watched disappeared, making Chad even cockier as he ventured through the broken maze that was the building.
He stopped suddenly as a rough grating sound echoed off the walls of the ancient building.
Someones in here he thought with sudden, unexplainable fear.He darted out the entrance the sounds of his footsteps echoing loudly off the broken floor,surely alerting whoever else was in the building.His fears were confirmed as the sound of heavy, pursuing footsteps sounded behind him.
He jumped out the entrance, hoping he was ahead of his pursuer. He hit the ground hard but continued running breathlessly. Then suddenly in a barely visible blur a huge mass of blackness burst from the undergrowth. His fear dulled his pain as the outstretched claws struck him and a heavy weight pressed him to the hard ground.
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SacredSerpent
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Oct 13, 08 at 4:34pm |
Please tell me how to improve or comments.
Chapter 6
Killer
Ziopox stared into the frightened face of the human. He was young, Ziopox could tell that from his limited knowledge of humans, but he could not distinguish anything further.
For a moment Ziopox hesitated, for as cold and wicked as the beast was, the deep rooted morales of his past tribe still were present in his mind. And one of the highest of the few laws of the beast was harshly against the slaughter of the young.One could be cruelly but justly executed for this.
Ziopox mentally justified the murder, knowing that the law only applied to his species and specifically his tribe, not to inferior species such as the human weaklings that currently dominated the earth.He ran his claws down the humans arms,easily cutting through flesh and muscle revealing a thick white bone.He was first weaking the human, making him helpless, as did all good hunters.
The human screamed, forming some words in his foreign language. Ziopox understood little human language, but the words were filled with pain and fear. And that pleased him.
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