love inside of me, 16+


Chapter 1


"RING" "RING" my phone is ringing "RING" " Hello" i answer, "Hi Honey its Me, its bella your friend, " OH hi bella but i have to go sorry", Crustella is walking out her door to go too work which is a cashier, as crustella is walking with her hat,boots,jeans,and short top, a boy suddenly bumps into her saying, "Oh Crap im so sorry i wasnt watching,"! Crustella Quickly says, "Its Okay dont worry about it", crustella was feeling very different when she met that boy, he answered "What What? Do you meen i mus'nt worry about it" Crustella said "its fine ok" she answered with a smile, " Umm okay" the boy said " im Jimmy"
i said " Im crustella", "nice to meet you


hi sorry its short, if yourl like it i will continue




This message was edited by tabs_m on Feb 27 2009.

This message was edited by tabs_m on Feb 27 2009.

You know what? Its written very creative! I like it. One thing I would work on is grammar. FYI indent your quotes.

Crustella?

Strange name...

its a unique name, very different





dnt like it?

love inside of me



Chapter 2

," Jimmy asked Crustella "Listen i was wondering, you drink coffee?
"Yes I do i love it, i meen Who Would'nt?". "Great" jimmy said "i Know a place close by, want to go?",
Crustella answered in a very shy way, " Great, Yeah Lets Go jimmy," Crustella and jimmy were walking
and couldnt stop talking.. Eventualy They reached there," As They walked in, Crustella noticed something
strange, "Umm I, I think i' ve been here before," Crustella said, "What?, You've Been here?" Jimmy Answered.,
Jimmy Also said, " You Know my dad said, When i was small, He use to take me Here 2 times a day.
Crustella said " Oh Ok I guess this restaraunt is Kind of You' r Family Huh?"
Jimmy Answered With a Pure Happy Smile, "Yes, I love This Place,",.. And so Crustella and Jimmy sat
down at a table, Ordering some coffee. And so They Enjoyed Talking to each other, and Decided to give eachothers
numbers, Crustella And Jimmy Walked out of The shop and said " Bye i Guess i' ll Call You Sometime ok",.....
And so They both walked Away," Eventualy Crustella Reached Home, " Hi Honey" Crustella's Mom Said
"Arent you Gonna Eat?" Crustella said "No Mom Im not i actualy wanted to tell you something," " well Crustella Go Ahead"
Crustella's Dad Said,"Well Mom And Dad," "I met This boy today, His Name's Jimmy," Before Crustella Could Continue,
Her dad Dropped His Tea all over the carpet with A Funny face, He Said "Who? What?, Jimmy? Jimmy Murphy?
Crustella's Dad Said With a Funny Suspicious face, "Umm No, I meen I dont Know He Just Told Me His, Name Thats, All'".


Getting Interesting? Want More? Then Comment And I will Continue,! ^_~

The story itself is nice, but it's a little hard to follow because of the way you're writing it. It's a very important (and yes, annoying) rule that you begin a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. That way there's less room for the reader to be confused. Like this...

quote Before

," Jimmy asked Crustella "Listen i was wondering, you drink coffee?
"Yes I do i love it, i meen Who Would'nt?". "Great" jimmy said "i Know a place close by, want to go?",
Crustella answered in a very shy way, " Great, Yeah Lets Go jimmy," Crustella and jimmy were walking
and couldnt stop talking.. Eventualy They reached there," As They walked in, Crustella noticed something
strange, "Umm I, I think i' ve been here before," Crustella said, "What?, You've Been here?" Jimmy Answered.,
Jimmy Also said, " You Know my dad said, When i was small, He use to take me Here 2 times a day.

quote After

Jimmy asked Crustella, "Listen, I was wondering, you drink coffee?"

"Yes I do, I love it. I mean who wouldn't?"

"Great," Jimmy said, "I know a place close by, want to go?"

Crustella answered him in a very shy way, "Great, yeah. Let's go Jimmy." They began walking, and they could not stop talking. Time flew by, and eventually they reached the place. As they walked in, Crustella noticed something strange.

"Umm, I-I think I've been here before," she said.

"What? You've been here?" he answered. "You know, my dad said that when I was small he used to take me here two times a day."

(I fixed a few grammar things with capitlization and commas too out of habit. xD)

Also keep in mind that you don't have to use a name every time you mention either Crustella or Jimmy. You can say "he" and "she" every once in awhile to make it flow better. Something that I use is that if I say a name once, I use "he/she" two or three times and then mention the name again. Unless of course there's several boys and girls talking and moving at once, then names are best.

Keep going, I want to see what happens!