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Solar Patar
Chocolate eating monkey with orange fur
no-stoppin-me-now



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Feb 28, 09 at 6:22pm
Shining darkness comments please.

Once dragons thrived in our civilization but then the evil Lord Shokren trained up a group of evil wizards to full power using the book of Darkness. Then he and his wizards attacked the Kingdom of the Dragons. But at the castle of the dragons the queen dragon had laid 4 eggs a blue egg, a green egg, a red egg and a black egg. When Lord Shokren attacked he took the castle by suprise and to save the eggs the one of the queen dragon's maids took the eggs and gave them to a human. But on the way the black egg fell out of the basket and into the jungle without the maid dragon noticing. When the eggs were safe she returned to find the castle in ruins, the royal dragons dead and Lord Shokren crowned King of Cratanzia so she fleed into the secret connection of cave underneath the earths surface and hid, waitng for the day dragons returned to rule.

Chapter one please comment and if you can suggest human characters mainly four humans 2 boys and 2 girls.

This message was edited by Solar_Patar on Mar 01 2009.

This message was edited by Solar_Patar on Mar 03 2009.


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Dark Wolf
BOREDDDDDD
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since: Nov 2008
Feb 28, 09 at 6:25pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Its good umm... one boy Mark!!



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Solar Patar
Chocolate eating monkey with orange fur
no-stoppin-me-now



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Mar 01, 09 at 6:47pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

15 years later...
Mark woke up with a start sitting upright "Ow!" he exclaimed bumping his head on the ceiling. he hated staying with his aunts in Merrywetle. He had to sleep in their cramped attic on a thin straw mattress with a strip of sheet to cover him. He got out his 'bed' and put on some fresh clothes and went downstairs. "Goodmorning Aunt driselda, Aunt Grenelda!" He chimed politely and before they could even say anything b ack as he knew it would be spiteful he grabbed a jam sandwhich and ran out the door.
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Comment lease need more character names.


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Soul13eateR
Who needs colour in their avvie?
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Mar 01, 09 at 8:02pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

I would say Alga, but you know what I'm like with using my own name, so, Kakavalujuiirukosta? How abut that?
Just jokes.

A girl, Lucy.

And good story so far. Keep going!



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Subaru7
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Mar 01, 09 at 8:17pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Longer? Just a bit? It's Ok, but, you just need to work on grammar. I always say that, so, just please keep going.

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Solar Patar
Chocolate eating monkey with orange fur
no-stoppin-me-now



Solar Patar's profileSolar Patar's neohomeNeoPM Solar PatarSolar Patar's gallery (14 images)
total posts: 215
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Mar 02, 09 at 6:48pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Mark ran towards the small rural village of Merrywetle to meet his friends Lucy and Harry. He suddenly heard a shout from behind and he looked back and ran straight into a tree and blacked out. Mark seemed to wake up in a dark ruined castle. "Hello," he whispered "Is anybody there?" "Yes." a deep but feminine voice boomed from behind him. "Just turn around."...
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Any guesses who it is? I'll probbably have the next bit up by tomorrow.


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Dark Wolf
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Mar 02, 09 at 7:06pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Cool next chapter! Me like!



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Circe
It's always the quiet ones.
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since: Nov 2006
Mar 03, 09 at 4:21am
re: Shining darkness comments please.

It's a good story, but like Subaru said you need to work on grammar, and more description would be nice. Length - as long as it doesn't become dull - is always a good thing. Like, for example (if you don't mind me doing this)...

quote Solar_Patar
Once dragons thrived in our civilization but then the evil Lord Shokren trained up a group of evil wizards to full power using the book of Darkness. Then he and his wizards attacked the Kingdom of the Dragons. But at the castle of the dragons the queen dragon had laid 4 eggs a blue egg, a green egg, a red egg and a black egg. When Lord Shokren attacked he took the castle by suprise and to save the eggs the one of the queen dragon took the eggs and gave them to a human. But on the way the black egg fell out of the basket and into the jungle without the maid dragon noticing. When the eggs were safe she returned to find the castle in ruins, the royal dragons dead and Lord Shokren crowned King of Cratanzia so she fleed into the secret connection of cave underneath the earths surface and hid, waitng for the day dragons returned to rule.

This message was edited by Solar_Patar on Mar 01 2009.
quote
Once, a long time ago, dragons thrived in our civilization. But one dark day the evil Lord Shokren gathered and trained a group of evil and insanely powerful wizards to gain full power using the Book of Darkness. When they were ready, he and his wizards attacked the Kingdom of the Dragons. It was a brutal and long fight, but in the end Lord Shroken took his victory.

However, at the castle of the dragons the wise Queen Dragon had laid just four last eggs. A blue egg, pale and as soft as the sky. A green egg that contained the boldness of an emerald. A red egg as smooth and sleek as blood, and a final black egg - so dark that when you looked into it, it seemed to lead to a never-ending fall into darkness.

Lord Shroken planned his attack well. He took the castle by surprise, giving the dragons almost no chance. The Queen Dragon had one last chance to possibly save her kingdom. She took her four eggs and gave them to a quiet maid. She was only a human, but she was strong and faithful. But on the way back, the black egg tumbled out of the basket and landed on the ground with a soft thud - so quiet that the maid didn't hear it.

When the remaining three eggs were safe, the maid quickly returned to find the castle in charred and devastating ruins. The royal dragons lie dead on the ground, and it seemed as if no prisoners were spared. Lord Shroken was crowned King of Cratanzia. The maid became frightened, so she fled into the secret connections of caves underneath the Earth's surface and hid. And to this day, she stays waiting for the day the dragons returned to rule the kingdom.
It's exactly what you said with more description.
Please continue, I want to know what happens next!


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Solar Patar
Chocolate eating monkey with orange fur
no-stoppin-me-now



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total posts: 215
since: Jan 2009
Mar 03, 09 at 4:56pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Delay I'll have the next bit up by wednesday not today.



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Solar Patar
Chocolate eating monkey with orange fur
no-stoppin-me-now



Solar Patar's profileSolar Patar's neohomeNeoPM Solar PatarSolar Patar's gallery (14 images)
total posts: 215
since: Jan 2009
Mar 04, 09 at 5:30pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Mark froze. Who had said that? Well he might as well find out. Mark turned around slowly. Then when he opened his eyes he saw a Gigantic pink crested lizard with wings. "Hello." it said. Mark fell over in disbelief. "W-w-what are you?" He asked. "I am a dragon," the lizard replied "The last one in fact, but not for long." "What do you mean?" Mark questioned puzzled. "What I mean is that you and your friends will soon release three more, well at least finally bring them to hatch." The dragon drawled on, "You see when the rest of the dragons there were for eggs, three of these are with someone in your village the other got lost on the journey. But these eggs won't hatch until they know they are in the safe hands of the rider that shall travel with them and this is the only time this has ever happened before so you are very special." The dragon finally concluded. "But what about the other egg?" Mark asked the dragon. "It will hopefully find a rider that will use its powers for good and the powers that the rider gains." The dragon replied calmly but Mark could hear the impatience in her voice. "Now farewell and remember what I have said your friends will have seen this vision as well." "Wait what is your name?" Mark shouted. "Athena." the dragon whispered just as it disappeared. Then Mark blacked out again.


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My first banner please pm to c+c
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Tabs M
SlipKnot... is amazing! WAIT AND BLEED
mad messenger



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since: Jan 2009
Mar 05, 09 at 3:26pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Yes Like Circe And Subaru7 Said Just Try to work on Your Grammar And Put commas And Full Stops As Well, Pm Me If u need help

And Dommo2312, Please Try and work On Your Spelling,

This message was edited by tabs_m on Mar 05 2009.


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"What can I say? SlipKnot rocks?"
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dommo2312
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Mar 05, 09 at 4:29pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

pat is this partly based on eragon and why would you have harry and mark i mean i know u r basing it on darkwolf1265 but you could have better spellings and i thaught yuo were goo at english i mean ill give u the quote later



[quote=Solar_Patar|message:24068220]
so she fleed into the secret connection of cave underneath the earths surface and hid, waitng for the day dragons returned to rule.


its fled and caves im rubbish at spelling but pat

sorry about the extra post

This message was edited by dommo2312 on Mar 05 2009.

This message was edited by dommo2312 on Mar 05 2009.
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Dark Wolf
BOREDDDDDD
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total posts: 276
since: Nov 2008
Mar 05, 09 at 4:49pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Dom please edit your post instead of double posting.



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Soul13eateR
Who needs colour in their avvie?
neologist



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total posts: 411
since: Oct 2008
Mar 06, 09 at 4:46pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Very good story. Keep going, plus your grammar could be improved. Apart from that, it's awesome.

Dom, your spelling is pretty bad too and having your friends' names in your story isn't such a bad thing (says me ).


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Solar Patar
Chocolate eating monkey with orange fur
no-stoppin-me-now



Solar Patar's profileSolar Patar's neohomeNeoPM Solar PatarSolar Patar's gallery (14 images)
total posts: 215
since: Jan 2009
Mar 07, 09 at 5:30pm
re: Shining darkness comments please.

Mark's opened his eyes and his vision slowly blurred back into focus.
"Are you alright Mark?" Asked Lucy a worried tone in her voice.
"Yes I think so." Mark replied, "Erm did you see the dragon as well?"
"Yes and so did Harry. So when we found you knocked out we bought you to the man the dragon mentioned." she answered. "Mister Targrat, he's awake." She shouted out the rooms doorway.
"Good." an old voice croaked. Then an old man hobbled into the room followed by Harry with three glittering stones.
"The dragon eggs." whispered Mark in awe.
"Yes and you three are the chosen ones to care for these dragons when they hatch. The blue one for you Harry, blue dragons are incredibly fast and are amazing flyer's. The green one for you Lucy, Green dragon's are especially skilled with magic and storing magical energy. Finally the red one for you Mark, red dragons are amazing and fearless fighters and are especially skilled with close combat and fire handling. Now you must look after these eggs with your life until they hatch, then after that they will probably be the ones who will be looking after you." the old man announced handing out the eggs . Then with a click of his fingers him and the house disappeared. But in the distance the three children could see a beautiful shining pink dragon carrying an old man towards a mountain.


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My first banner please pm to c+c
Help me with my eggs http://gpxplus.net/user/Pat
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