Ok so my other stories didnt do so well but I wanna do this!


Part 1 of Chapter 1
The Beggining in the shadows...

In early winter all you can think about is:When the hell are we getting out of school!? You dont really pay attention to much. All we hear is stupid school taking up my life! That ended this winter... I bet you want to know why. Well ill tell you


You wouldnt expect it but there is a secret race called "Harogos". They are a race thought long ago exticnt. Though they are not. When they found out about this Jango soldiers were sent to murder every single last one. One hell of a story right? Yeah well it doesnt end there. Alot of things happened in the lives Haragos. Though I think the saddest is this. You wanna know the rest right? Well I'll tell you.

This message was edited by Lil M on Nov 07 2009.

Part 2 of Chapter 1
Card Games are fun!

Ok so I think it was two years ago. Im not sure.

Anyway what happened was there was a really popular card game! Im not sure what they called it... it was something like "Wars of the Races". I don't know but something about the name just doesnt feel right. It just rubs me the wrong way. Anyway the basic rules of the game was:

Each player has fifty card in his or her deck. You draw five. At the bottom left corner there was a number that was one through ten. Both players lay down one card. Wich ever has the higher number wins. That wasn't it though! They also had types of magic. There was fire, ice, water, lighting, earth, nature, light, and darkness.
Now here it was kind of rock paper sissors game. To be more accurate it's more like that video game. What's it called? Oh yeah Pokemon! It's pretty straight forward fire beats ice and earth, icebeats water and earth, lighting beats water, earth beats lighting and fire, nature beats water, light beats all execpt for lighting, dark is the same thing expect instead of lightning it beats earth. The card that is beat by the element of the other one has there power level lowered.

Enough about the card game though. Let's start the actual story.

This is a lot better than my story, I'm very impressed. Keep it up.
One thing though. Shorten up the sentences like,

quote

fire beats ice and earth,

that kind of thing. Put indents in them if you can. And space after commas. Other than that, which are very minor flaws, I already like this. Especially the title, pure pwnage.

And for Dutch Cutie, OMG IS THAT SORA AS YOUR AV?!?

Part 3 of Chapter 1
The Drama Begins

Ok so I am a Harago if you couldn't tell. (I swear if you couldnt you need to get checked) Jango and Haragos "get along now". Though some people in the school are racist. Yeah it's not a joke! After school I missed the bus so I had to walk home. That's not good.

You rarely see anyone walking home. Atleast alone. You see people are racist and they like to jump the other. I haven't had that happened to me... but that changed today.

I could hear some people talking. I could barely hear it but it was there. It got louder I started walking faster. Right now I was scared as heck. I heard loud foot steps. thump thump. Oh god no! I could hear them I knew it was them. I started running. I knew they were there because I could hear them crushing the snow. Then all of a sudden somone jumped in front of me.

It was a Jarago I coould tell. I sense the Jaragonian blood in him. Two people were behind him.

" Hey come out to play!" He yelled.

" Hey why aren't you taking the bus?" The other one said.

" I missed it... what the hell do you want." I said.

" Nothin just wanna play some tag." The leader said.

He was carying a knife. I knew what he meant. There going to far they were gonna kill me. I started to run the other way. They started running after me.
" Hey stop you bitch!" One of them yelled out.

I started sprinting. I was scared out of my own skin. They ran really fast. I knew I wasn't fast enough. I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Thats all I could think. I tripped and got back up. I couldn't die not now!

Good, so far. pretty choppy sentences though.

I think you should also consider putting in more detail and emotion.

But so far I love the plot! =D keep going!

Part 4 of Chapter 1
...I'm...alive?

I was running so fast I felt I could just callapse at any second, but I have to keep going. The Jaragos behind me I knew they would kill me, they wouldn't hesitate to get rid of me. I looked closer to the tallest one. His face seemed familiar for some reason.

I saw a shadowy figure along the houses to the my left side. It was creepy but let me assure I wasn't going to stay and find out what it is!

My feet were tired. Not just tired exaughsted beyond belief. I kept running though then I tripped over my own feet. I couldn't get up, my leg was to sore to stand up straight let alone run. They caught up to me. I knew it I was going to die.

He held up the knife and said, " You little bastard kept us running like hell. It doesn't matter now anymore though!" , He held it ready to strike.

Suddenly everything went black and I heard of cry of pain...wich wasn't mine.

DUNH DUNH DUNH!

GREAT. that is so good write more and more.

that is so good omg

i don`t write stories i`m more into songs and music.
but keep it up