quote chelskiman

Brilliant TVI!

Can't wait for the proper match reports, we are gonna smash Spurs

PSH! As Derp said, *bleep*ING CUT TO THE CHASE! I love reading this

Alan Shearer, retired Newcastle United captain, and prospective manager: Hello?

Chris Mort, Newcastle chairman: Hi Alan, this is Chris Mort, the chairman of Newcastle United football club.

Ah excellent, how do you do Mr Mort? Is there anything I can help you with?

Me and the club owner, Mike Ashley, have put you at the head of our shortlist of people we would like to fulfil the role of first team manager. What is your response to this?

Well, I would love the chance to work with the club! I feel I would have both the backing of the fans and the ability to make the club great again! Would we be able to meet to discuss this further?

Superb, yes, yes, I shall set up a meeting immediately. Mike is in the country at the moment, and he'll be thrilled to meet you. He would be willing to send his private jet to pick you up immediately, I am sure!

Brill, I'll look forward to talking with you!

Smashing, I'll see you later on Alan. Are there any quick questions you have regarding the job that I can answer now on the phone?

Oh... erm... What sort of transfer budget would I have available to work with this summer?

Ah, there is a slight problem on that front. Mike supported the previous two managers with lots of money, and wants to see some return for his investment before he throws more cash at the squad. It looks at the moment like you shall have to sell to bring players in!

Oh. Ok. *sounds slightly put out* I shall see you later then Chris. Take care.

You too Alan, have a safe flight.

Alan Shearer looks apprehensive about the deal, while Chris Mort is satisfied the conversation went well. [/dodgily doctored picture]

---Alan Shearer wiped the nervous sweat from hands he walked towards Chris Mort's office. He'd wanted this job for so long, and now it finally looked like it was going to happen. Pausing at the door, Alan ran his hand through his rapidly receding hair and composed himself.
---'This has to go well...' he thought.

---'Hi Alan, please take a seat.' said a bespactacled man in a posh voice. 'I'm Chris Mort, and that.' he said, pointing at a rather rotund man sat to his left, 'is Mike Ashley, if you weren't aware'.
---Alan shook hands with them both and sat down opposite them. Ashley was the first to speak:
---'Chris tells me you seemed enthusiastic on the phone about the possibility of taking over at Newcastle, Alan?'
---'Yes, certainly. I love this club and would do anything to bring it success.' replied Alan, trying to avoid looking at Mike Ashley's many double chins...
---My God it looks like he's staring at me from behind a stack of pancakes...
---'I feel I have what it takes...' Christ, I bet he has gravy for blood... 'to take this club into a bare minimum...' Is Chris Mort orbiting around him... 'of the UEFA Cup next season, even though I'll have little money to work with this summer'... Fat bastard, fat bastard, fat bastard!
---'Splendid!' said Chris Mort, beaming. 'I hardly have to tell you how enthusiastic Mike and I, and all of Newcastle for that matter, are about you coming to work here with us!'
---Alan grinned despite himself.
---'Shall we talk wages then?'
---Chris Mort and Mike Ashley exchanged a fleeting glance between one another.
---'Ah yes... Wages.' said Chris Mort, frowning slightly. 'You see, the thing is that money is rather tight at the moment, as you know, so we will only be able to offer you a very small salary.'
---'Here we go...' thought Alan.
---'Would something in the region of, say... £1,800 per week seem reasonable?'
---Alan almost fell out of his chair with indignation.
---'Is this some sort of joke?' he cried incredulously
---'I am sorry Mr Shearer, but that really is the maximum we can offer you!' blustered Mike Ashley, chins a-quiver.
---'Good luck getting any known manager with a salary offer like that!' laughed Alan. 'I think this interview is over.'
---Mike Ashley looked suddenly quite menacing as he stood and pointed towards the door.
---'Thank you Mr Shearer, this has been quite... enlightening, shall we say.'
---Alan inclined his head to the two men and turned to leave without shaking eithers' hand.

---'What a fat bastard!' Alan chuckled to himself as he left the buildinig.

---'Yes thank you Percival, you may go now.' said Chris Mort wearily. His assistant had just informed him that yet another manager had spurned Newcastle's approach after learning of the low salary the job would command.
---'What on earth are we going to do?' Chris muttered to himself despairingly.
---Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Chris glanced at his watch. 2am. He'd been awake for nearly 24 hours now.
---He stood up to leave, dreading the long drive home to bed, when an envelope caught his eye on his in-tray.
---'Must have missed that one this morning.' he thought.
---The cover said 'Application for Newcastle Manager's job'.
---Chris could barely suppress a laugh as he held the document in his hands. Chuckling wearily, he thought it might be worth having a look at least...

quote Derp

Why is Nuggy's name mentioned?