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Now, as promised, my rant on just how much the Alone In The Dark movie sucked ass...

Director Uwe Boll needs to be strung up by his testicles and dangled over a pit of rabid bulldogs. Not only has he utterly mutilated the spirit of the game series, but he's made a mockery of film-making.

Allow me to elaborate. First off, it sounded like he hired his cousin-in-law to dub the pre-movie synopsis. Which, incidentally, had a name flub. It's not the Abkani tribe, you hapless twits, it's the Abkanis tribe. If you had paid but two minutes worth of attention to the game at all, which you so obviously DIDN'T, you may have been able to pull off having the entire thing be only half a flop.

Whoever that one character you pulled out of your ass was, he was a sad excuse for a bad guy. Don't strain yourself too much on getting his name right either, because it was the *bleep*ing Mortons who were behind the whole scheme to open the gate to the World of Darkness, not some mincing museum proprieter.

Next, I've never been so bored watching anything in my entire life. The whole thing was nothing but long-ass scenes of people walking around, looking at things, making small talk, and shooting guns in poorly-lit areas. The pace was enough to kill everyone on a short bus within a thousand-mile radius. And what was with the love scene you stuck in the middle of it for absolutely no reason at all with that tired old soft-core porn tune slapped over top of it?

Speaking of which, the music supervisor needs to be eviscerated IMMEDIATELY. Could you have selected tunes that were any more base? Oh, and while you're at it, poison your editor, so that he/she can die as slow and as painful a death as I was experiencing trying to figure out how this piece of tripe was stapled together. Were you called out of the room a lot? Because it made about as much sense as braille on a drive-up ATM.

Now, as far as the cast goes, I feel extremely sorry for Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff. It was glaringly obvious that they regretted being in the film, because the two of them, and just about every other actor looked like they were straining themselves to the point of being depressed, trying to find enough energy to act. Tara Reid? Who the *bleep* decided to put her in the film? As my mother so delicately pointed out, she was merely there as window dressing, and didn't really fit in with the other characters. She has eternally soiled the character of Aline Cedrac with her generic "talents" and for that, I hope she gets a raging case of scabies.

Location, location, location. THERE WASN'T ANY! The game took place on Shadow Island, out in the middle of nowhere, where's it's actually plausible to have a native american tribal history attached to it. So where does Mister Boll take it? A city. A city that happens to have a gold mine tucked underneath it. A gold mine that is somehow connected to a church orphanage at the edge of town. Inside this mine? Two or three whole funhouse-style traps before you get to the most half-assed "secret laboratory" in the history of B-Moviedom.

Top your shit sandwich off with the same ending you've seen in any lousy horror movie. Don't even bother getting your credits straight. Based on the game series by Atari? ATARI?! Try Kokopeli, Darkworks, Bruno Bonnell and Sony, you useless *bleep*!!!

A friend of mine quoted me a little something you said once. "Gamers should be happy I'm picking up these movies when nobody else will." or something to that effect, eh? Don't *bleep*ing TOUCH my games if you're going to turn them into GARBAGE. Even if that movie hadn't been based on anything, it still would have sucked the biggest, roundest ones of all.

*Rant Mode Ended*