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Reasons why the New York Yankees Suck 1. George Steinbrenner owns the team. This is a man with the warmth of Pat Buchanan, the patience of Ross Perot, and the credibility of O.J. Simpson. 2. The Yankees honored a truant, Jeffrey Maier, whose interference transformed an out into a series-turning Yankee home run in the 1996 playoffs. 3. Yankee hype resulted in Joe Gordon winning the 1942 MVP award over Triple Crown winner Ted Williams. Ted Williams led the American League in six offensive categories; Gordon led in one, most strikeouts. 4. Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak in 1941 is considered the record in baseball. Why is excellence over two months better than excellence over a season? (DiMaggio had 193 hits that season, sixty-four short of George Sisler's major league record.) 5. Steinbrenner did not have to go to jail following his felony conviction. 6. The Yankees retired Reggie Jackson's and Billy Martin's numbers. These two played a combined twelve seasons for the Yankees and hit .261. 7. Yankee fans are impossible to like. More than three decades ago, Roger Angell described them as "overdressed, uncomprehending autumn arrivistes." Today we would describe them as front-running boors. 8. In the worst-ever made-for-television movie, Dent played a football player who fell in love with a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. 9. Their dynasty began because the Red Sox owner, Harry *bleep*ing Frazee, needed money to finance his theatrical ventures. We are not talking about hard work by the Yankees; this was Dumb Luck I. 10. Just before the end of the 1920 season, the Chicago White Sox were a better team with a brighter future than the Yankees. By the end of that season, the Sox were a shell of a great team. Eight of their stars were on their way to lifetime bans as a result of throwing the 1919 World Series. This was Dumb Luck II in establishing the Yankee dynasty. 11. After Mel Allen (whom the Yankees fired), their best known broadcaster is Phil "Holy Cow" Rizzuto. His biases would have earned him the nickname "Homer" but for the fact he hit only thirty-eight four-baggers during his thirteen-year major league career. 12. Role models like convicted felons Darryl Strawberry and Steve Howe have played for the Yankees. 13. Don Zimmer. 14. The Yankees are living in the past. They have won five World Series since 1962. Over the same period, the Montreal Canadiens have won twelve titles, and the Boston Celtics have won eleven. 15. The Reggie! Bar was *bleep*ed. 16. Steinbrenner, who was banned from baseball for life, got reinstated after three years. We hope whoever made this decision never gets on the Unabomber's parole board. 17. Yankee hype resulted in Joe DiMaggio winning the 1947 MVP award over Triple Crown winner Ted Williams. 18. Roger Maris, who had three great seasons, had his number retired. Are the Reds going to retire George Foster's number? 19. Yankee reliever Sparky Lyle wrote The Bronx Zoo, a 300-page whine about how tough life is when you're earning a large salary for pitching for a World Series winner. 20. Yankee tragedies are supposed to consume the nation. After Thurman "I won seven fewer Gold Gloves than Johnny Bench" Munson's plane went down, the Yankee faithful wanted the waiting period for Munson's Hall of Fame election waived. Tony Conigliaro, whose life was more tragic than Munson's, and who hit more home runs in far fewer at bats than Munson did, is forgotten outside of Boston. 21. Two words: Jim Leyritz 22. After the 1976 Yankees won the franchise's first pennant in twelve years, they were swept by the Reds in the World Series. Steinbrenner complained of how this loss to the greatest team since the end of World War II was a "personal humiliation." 23. The Kansas City A's were effectively a Yankee farm club. (Would you believe they sent Roger Maris to the Yankees for four spare parts?) 24. The Babe Ruth Story might be the worst sports movie ever made. 25. Howard Cosell. 26. ABC rode the Yankees balls every week on Monday Night Baseball. 27. Slightly above-average feats by ordinary Yankees make magazine covers. 28. Johnny Damon. A year after saying money doesn't matter and he would NEVER play for a team like the Yankees no matter how much money they threw at him, he signed a huge contract with them. Sell out. 29. Steinbrenner. 30. Larry McPhail. 31. Steinbrenner and Billy Martin reminded you of temperamental high school sweethearts. 32. A Yankee fan's contribution to baseball chat rooms is limited to "Red Sox suck" and "1918." 33. The Yankees exiled their greatest legend, Babe Ruth, to the 38-115 Boston Braves. They let stars like Frank Colman and Roy Weatherly wear Ruth's #3 before retiring it. 37. Bill Mazeroski got the key hit in three Pirate wins, hit the World Series-winning home run, batted .320 and watched Yankee Bobby Richardson get named the MVP of the 1960 World Series. Again, Yankee hype. 38. Either the Yankees of the 1960's were a cliquish gang who slammed windows on kids wanting autographs as described in Jim Bouton's Ball Four, or... 39. Bouton is a liar, in which case the Yankees issued a paycheck to a big-mouthed malcontent who had a 4-15 record in 1965. 40. Joe DiMaggio was voted baseball's "Greatest Living Player" largely because that noted baseball expert, Paul Simon, wrote a line in "Mrs. Robinson" about him. 41. Free enterprise is free enterprise, but there is something terribly wrong when Luis Tiant is pictured in a Yankee uniform, holding a hot dog and saying "It is great to be with a winner." I blame the Yankees. 42. Wally Pipp could not play with a headache. 43. In the 1930's and 1940's, the Yankees would not allow radio broadcasts of their games. 45. Shane Spencer had a few great weeks and the New York media compared the start of his career to those of various Hall of Famers. Earth to Spencer fans: baseball is a game of streaks. Hurricane Hazle, after a six-game major league career with the Reds, hit .403 in forty-one games for the '57 Braves. Within a year the 28 year old was gone from the major leagues forever. 46. No matter how often I remind myself that he has a family and probably visits sick kids in hospitals, I cannot like Derek Jeter. 47. The Yankees have helped cause the exorbitant salaries in baseball. Johnny Damon makes $13 million a year for example. I'd be afraid to see what they would offer players like Albert Pujols who has more talent in his pinky finger than Damon has in his whole body. 49. Jerry Coleman, whose malapropisms ("Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen") as a Padres announcer are legendary, is a former Yankee. 50. Hillary Clinton, who knows less about baseball than she knows about the upstate New York town of Glens Falls, claims to be a lifelong Yankee fan.
10 More reasons why the New York Yankees Suck 1. Roger Clemens sold out for them. 2. They're a drug rehab center! (Strawberry, Steve Howe, Pascuel Perez, etc.) 3. The Yankees spent $92 Million (12 million more than anyone else!) to buy the World Series in '99 and 2000. 4. After they lost the '76 World Series , the Yankees voted their batboys $100 shares. Their opponents, the Reds, gave theirs $6591 each. Classy. 5. In the spring after their '96 championship, the Yankees charged fans to have their pictures taken with the World Series trophy. Again, classy. 6. According to the Barnhardt Dictionary of Etymology the word Yankee was a term of contempt. Isn't that great? The Yankees named themselves after an insult! It's like calling a team the Atlanta Rednecks or the L.A. Cokeheads! Iron that on you wife-beater. 7. After Yankee home games, fans hang around and sing to the Sinatra song, "New York, New York" over and over until you pray the ghost of Sinatra himself will appear on DiamondVision screaming, "STOP!" 8. After every nauseating, soul-sucking Yankees victory, radio guy John Sterling bellows, "Yankees Win! Tha-a-a-a Yankees Win!" like a goat stuck on an electric fence. Hey John, Give it a-a-a-a rest! 9. Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Brad Pitt to get the girl or for Bill Gates to win the lotto. That's why I propose that those not born in 1 of the 5 New York boroughs must lose their pinstripes or be tossed into the East River with only Chuck Knoblauch to throw them a life preserver. 10. Hating the Yankees is a U.S tradition that's been honored throughout the century. Remember, no one ever wrote a play called "Damn Expos!"
10 RULES FOR BEING A YANKEE FAN 1. It's important to point out past post-season success as often as possible. However, if anyone points out anything in the past that doesn't reflect positively on the Yankees, then argue that it happened in the past and doesn't matter now. For example, it is okay to point out that the Yankees beat the Mariners in the 2000 ALCS. However, if anyone points out that the Mariners beat the Yankees in the 1995 ALDs, then argue that it happened in the past and doesn't matter. 2. Nothing in the regular season matters, unless it's favorable to the Yankees. For example, Roger Clemens was 16-1 in 2001, and dominated. However, if anyone points out that the Mariners had beaten Clemens twice that year, respond by saying, "Regular Season doesn't mean crap". Regular Season wins and losses are especially irrelevant, unless you are the 1998 Yankees. 3. Statistics are for losers. Whenever someone posts a statistic that you find confusing, quickly point out that the Yankees have won 4 world series in that last 12 seasons. 4. If anyone accuses the Yankees of "buying" their championships, argue that Jeter, B Williams, Pettitte, Chamberlain, Rivera, and Posada are all home-grown talent. Then, hope that nobody notices that this represents only 6 out of 25 players, and hope they don't bring up Clemens, Mussina, Rodriguez, Giambi, Damon, Matsui and more. 5. Whenever you argue with a Red Sox fan, always bring up 1918. This will infuriate them and while they type a response, you can point out that the Yankees have won 4 out of the last 12 championships. See Rule #1. 6. Statistics and records are never as important as name recognition. Statistics should always be dismissed unless they are favorable to the Yankees. For example, Clemens was 16-1. That's a good statistic. Mussina was 12-10, but that doesn't matter because well-known names are always better than any statistic. If anyone argues with that, see Rule #2. 7. Defend Derek Jeter at all costs. Resort to name calling and threats of violence if necessary. 8. All other fans of all other teams are bandwagon fans. Nobody has a more loyal, more dedicated following than the Yankees. If a team is hot, or is playing well, call that team's fans bandwagoners. Then point out how many championships the Yankees have won. See Rule #1. 9. The Yankees are the Defending World Champions until baseball adopts a policy forbidding them to play in the post-season. Such a policy will never exist, because George Steinbrenner vehemently opposes anything that doesn't directly contribute to the success of the Yankees, so therefore, the Yankees will forever be the Defending World Champions. If another teams wins the championship, then it was because of - Refer to Rule #1. 10. The following traits should be avoided at all times: logic, humility, reason, and class. You have the most championships. You should act like it and point it out at all times. See Rule #1.
More Reasons to Hate the Yankees
Favorite Yankees(past and present)
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