Do not roll eyes upon reading the title of this article.  If you're reading this, you were interested enough to click it, and I've at least partially completed my objective by drawing you this far.  This Sunday Special will be the third, and while E3 has taken most of my will to live, I have returned in time to provide everyone with what I hope will be another amusing weekend read.  Recent news of the Silent Hill variety stemming from Konami's conference has inspired today's selection.

As the title has already revealed, this Sunday Special features Henry Townshend of Silent Hill 4: The Room.  Like other Silent Hill protagonists from previous titles, Henry seems strangely lacking when it comes to emotional response.  Thrust into that other world where rust, mildew, and raw meat suddenly become horrifying -- it's a vegetarian neat-freak's worst nightmare -- our brave hero has only one thing to say: "What the hell?"

Granted, those familiar with Silent Hill 4 know that we don't get to see the trademark nightmare world until the latter half of the game.  Instead, Henry discovers a gaping hole in his bathroom wall after realizing he's been locked inside his apartment.  "The phone doesn't work, the TV doesn't work... I can't even get anybody to hear me when I yell," he observes while staring at his door.

I really jacked up the brightness level on these.

Silent Hill likes using holes as metaphoric plot devices.

I've heard many fans complain that Silent Hill 4 did not focus enough on character development, that we really don't find out anything about Henry.  Indeed, even the Translated Memories section on Walter Sullivan's recent victims has nothing about Mister Townshend.  As you can see, his page is blank and his photo has been conveniently ripped out, though this can be easily justified by the assumption that Henry was meant to survive the events of Silent Hill 4 rather than become another victim.  This is good news, really, because the ladies absolutely love Henry for being the oblivious dope that he is.  Remember how Cynthia, the latina bombshell, comes on to him upon their first meeting?  I'm not sure our cute little simpleton understood exactly how to react to a woman rubbing all over him and talking about "special favors."

Even better, we know Henry is really on top of things in emergency situations.

Henry is terrified by what he sees!

Aw, that's really sweet.  Except for one thing...

She's really, really not okay.

At least he thought to ask, right?  The guy really has a way with women.  He took such good care of Eileen when she was hobbling around with a broken arm, busted eye, and a limp; actually, that depends on the player, but I took excellent care of her.

Okay, it might not be fair to make so much fun of Henry.  I mean between Heather's laser eye beams and James' discovering the shiba mastermind (if you haven't seen that ending, I highly recommend it), Silent Hill is downright serious!  The bottom line is that we love Henry Townshend because he curb stomps monsters, doesn't know how to shave, combs his hair, and wields that rusty axe like nobody's business.

He also wears a very clean shirt.

Cue battlecry: WHAT THE HELL?!!

Walter Sullivan.  Because I can.

Can any of us claim to do any better in his situation?  Mostly likely not, because we're not quite so dead inside as the protagonists of Silent Hill.  Yet we've always learned to love them for their prosaic wit and desensitized reactions in the face of disfigured flesh wads, rabid undead dogs, epileptic nurses, and big dudes who wear pyramids on their heads.  When Silent Hill is after you, all you need is an old axe and a lot of Health Drinks.

What a stud.